09/08/2017

Worrying About The End Of The World Is Pointless But At Least We’ll Know Who Caused It

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We all know the world will come to an end someday, whether that be in 2 billion years due to the expansion of the Sun, an asteroid hitting the Earth, a supermassive volcano erupting or something a little less prosaic. I’ve always believed that the end days would come as a result of coughs, sneezes and killer microbes – the unseen enemies. After Trump’s ‘Fire and Fury’ comments yesterday with regard to the equally insane North Korean leader Kim Jong Un I’m beginning to revise my theories. One must use the proviso that one is an illiberal, dictatorial, ego-obsessed, misogynistic, dangerous megalomaniac child-man and the other is Kim Jong Un. Now Kim (and he doesn’t sound half so bad when you call him Kim – then he sounds more like a gender fluid house cleaner) has retaliated by saying he’ll nuke the American military base in Guam. This is a bit like nuclear Top Trumps (forgive the pun). This tough talking one-upmanship has been going on for decades but most recently Barack Obama’s entreaty that if Syria used chemical weapons against it’s own people that would be a ‘red-line’ and he would unleash American might on Assad. When Assad ignored the warning Obama did….absolutely nothing saying that well, if he did it again, he would be really annoyed. So Assad did it again. No response. Trump will not do that, he hates Obama and all he stood for, and would rather cause the Apocalypse than be regarded as weak as he was. Kim presides over huge death camps, mass executions, crushing opposition and oppression of his own people. He won’t bat an eyelid at provoking a regional or global conflict. That’s because he’s what’s called in the profession as ‘madder than a driver not thanked for letting someone join a traffic queue’ or even madder. The problem with Trump is that now he has promised ‘Fire and Fury’, he really has nowhere to go diplomatically and the Chinese will not take kindly to having 50 million South Korean refugees fleeing into their country as a result of a mushroom cloud hanging over Seoul for a thousand years. The only solution may be assassination, but which one? Assassinate Trump and Mike Pence takes over, and he makes Trump look like Jeremy Corbyn or take out Kim and hope the next in line is a sensitive liberal type with a penchant for patchouli oil and orchids. Hmm, don’t think I’ve solved the problem somehow. Perhaps the best we can hope for is that the microbes are amassing quicker than the military and one morning we’ll all have dissolved into our bed sheets leaving the world in the capable hands of the dolphins, whales and blobfish. However, cheer up because it might never happen, like another Gold for Britain at the World Athletics championships (notwithstanding Mohammed Farah) or Oldham Athletic winning the Champions League or even Montana and Alex getting married and living happily ever after……oh that one’s already gone pear-shaped has it? Oh well.

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