04/05/2017

Local Elections Today…..Anyone Bothering?

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Millions of people will today not bother to vote for local councillors on the basis they’re usually as effective as eating Mars bars to cure obesity. The average turnout for a local election is between 25 and 35% and, in my area, most of those are postal votes filled in by male Muslim candidates on behalf of Muslim women who have not been let out of the house since the Triceratops was roaming the Earth. Councillors are, of course, people who are not deemed suitable enough to be considered as Parliamentary candidates, sucking money out of the local economy and making decisions based on their own narrow business interests. In my area I have a choice of Ahmed (Lab), Akmal (Con), Achtung (UKIP) and Amalalologibrigida (Lib). We are also voting for a Mayor….no one wants a Mayor, especially one ‘earning’ £250,000 a year, but we must have one because the government says so on the basis that they will reduce the money given to our area if we don’t – the political equivalent of a gun to the head. Previous Mayoral elections have attracted just 15% turnout with the winners being crowned on around 7% of the popular vote. This means that the winners will be elected if they can get most of their family to vote for them. That’s democracy folks.

Brits Turning Their Backs On Alcohol…..And Take Up Heroin Instead (Kidding)

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A lifestyle survey (for which read ‘researchers’) has suggested Brits are falling out of love with alcohol. The poll found that only 60% of us had a drink in the last week – a twelve year low. Of the remaining 40% 50% were teetotallers or Muslims as other people call them. The research was based on people’s recollections of their drinking habits. However memory is the first thing to go after a ‘sesh’ so the figures could be wildly inaccurate (which makes the poll….er…..oh yes….pointless). It is the youth causing this problem of underdrinking as they are unaware of how not buying alcohol affects the British economy. So selfish of them. Luckily university students are still consuming like the Sun consumes Hydrogen but their parents are letting the side down by supping more water. In another survey by the Office for National Statistics sales of alcohol have been rising steadily over the last decade……..hmmm….can’t both be true can they?

Prince Philip Retires From Unveiling Plaques And Opening Stuff

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Happy retirement.

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