27/04/2017

Boris Breaks Cover To Launch Attack On Corbyn (And Maybe Syria Too)

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After being silenced for the first week of the general election campaign everybody’s favourite bumbling fool, Boris Johnson, has been let off the leash to describe Jeremy Corbyn as a ‘mutton-headed mugwump’ (which is apparently nothing to do with Harry Potter). As ever Boris uses language only understood by the poshest of posh boys in order to make himself appear as a ‘man of the people’. The Conservative election organisers collectively held their heads in their hands and prayed he couldn’t get any more ridiculous……oh, he did. Boris waded into the ‘should we bomb Syria as well as the US, Russia, Assad, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar and France?’ debate. He believes we don’t have any choice but to support the US in their pursuit of ISIS – it seems 9 countries annihilating schools, hospitals, markets, weddings, fleeing civilians and, occasionally, ISIS is not enough. It could be argued it would be better to let IS take Syria as they’re killing fewer people than the coalition. Bojo continued his diatribe against Corbyn saying he was ‘reluctant to use lethal force’ (or killing as the rest of us know it), opposed to nuclear weapons (as if that was a bad thing) and against NATO (the single most useless global policing organisation on Earth). Maybe Corbyn is not all that bad…..although without NATO, nukes and modern weaponry we might end up all speaking Russian by 2020. Boris will also give a speech about poverty next week where he will share his experience of being poor; he was once at the Groucho club and they ran out of langoustines, his parents once forgot to pay his monthly £25,000 allowance into his account and had to live off caviar and Cheerios for a couple of days and he was once driven (in a chauffeur driven limousine) down a street that had a food bank.

May’s Mantra

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If any news watcher was in doubt the Tories have decided on their election strategy for the next 6 weeks; don’t meet the general public, no TV debates (because that would mean engaging with real people), continuously describe Jeremy Corbyn as ‘chaotic’, ‘dangerous’, ‘profligate’, ‘beardy’ and a ‘Communist’ and, above all, to keep repeating the phrase ‘strong and stable government’. In PMQs yesterday Mrs May used ‘strong’ 38 times , ‘strong and stable government’ 20 times….the previous day she addressed a group of party activists and used the phrase 19 times. The idea is politically sound; keep repeating a simple, easily understood message until there is not a single person, friend or foe, who does not know what the campaign message is. It also implies that the Opposition are not these things. Meanwhile, Labour’s mantra is…….well, no one has an effing clue…maybe ‘more borrowing, higher taxes for the rich and a politically correct Utopia’ – doesn’t really trip off the tongue does it? In contrast the Greens can go for ‘Save the planet, equality for all, love thy neighbour’. Labour is missing a trick.

Pre-Muddied Jeans On Sale For Cretins

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The Nordstrom ‘Dirty Denim’ range……£330 per pair….sometimes you just have to punch yourself repeatedly in the face to check whether you’re living in a parallel universe. The jeans are described as ‘rugged, Americana workwear’ and ‘hard working action…that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty’. These are jeans for Giles and Annabel who live in Kensington where fashionwear this season is ‘dirt poor’ for wearing on a trip to buy a couple of bottles of Moet. Jeans that look like they’re worn by people who have a dirty job, by people who don’t. The pricier luxury models are covered with cow shit. Only one rule for these jeans – don’t wash them in anything but cold water because apparently mud and manure come off in the wash. Gotta scream.

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