What Are The Chances?

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If the Conservatives win. Probably when. More austerity for the middle and lower classes, cuts to vital services; NHS, education, social care, housing, local government, overseas aid, defence, pensions and police and fire services. Cuts to Corporation tax, cuts to taxes for higher earners. More unelected Lords, more Old Etonians in government, more curbs on freedom of expression, more funds for government appointed snoopers, higher council taxes, less tolerance of foreigners, more arms sales to oppressive regimes, higher tuition fees, greater chance of joining the US in a pointless war in far off climes, more having to do trade deals with unsavoury governments. Makes you wonder how this shower of  over-privileged apparatchiks can possibly be front runners to win this election in a landslide….oh yes, Labour and Jeremy Corbyn.

If Labour wins. Well, they won’t will they? However, if they do they will; bankrupt the British economy, re-nationalise the railways and energy companies thereby making them uneconomic, unwieldy and useless (just like they were last time they were in the hands of the government), still back tuition fees (at least until the manifesto comes out), will allow a free-for-all in terms of immigration, will tax the rich at such a high rate leading to the exodus of wealth creators from the country, will have a leader that most people in their own party do not even support. They will put more money into the NHS, education, local government, housing and social care………but will have no means of paying for it. They will max out the government credit card and then spend five years waiting for the bailiffs to arrive. It is enough to look at Jeremy Corbyn and then place him on the world stage with Putin, Trump, Xi, Modi, Merkel……..like nailing a raspberry custard to a plasterboard wall…..the only outcome is failure, frustration and bemusement. Odds of Corbyn winning? Greater than Leicester City winning the 2018 Premier League whilst wearing wellingtons and a tutu.

If the Green party win. Okay, dream on. But they seem quite nice don’t they? Anyone who’s aim is to save the planet and to protect the vulnerable can’t be all bad. Practical? Nah. So indecisive they have two leaders, one of whom nobody can name.

If the Liberal Democrats win. Two words. Tuition fees. Two more words. Tim Farron. Will stop Brexit, will preside over a massive increase in immigration, will sell their principles, in the event of a hung Parliament, for a share of power, will be so earnest and politically correct (except if you’re gay) you’ll want to punch all of them in the face until your arm drops off, will drain the life out of the economy faster than an American MOAB travels the plains of Afghanistan. Even so they will gain seats at the expense of Labour as the snowflakes find their natural home in the Yellow party.

If UKIP win. Then I will run the next London marathon in high heels whilst juggling six unpinned grenades. Here’s the crucial question. How many UKIP candidates are nameable? 2. How many policies are recitable? 2 – less immigration and Brexit. The Tories have this covered. Paul Nuttall as Prime Minister? as suitable as wearing hotpants and a gimp mask to the Queen’s garden party.


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