20/04/2017

Fed up of the election yet? Good, me neither

Political Terms Explained – Part I

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Over the next 49 days politicians will be asked many questions, 99% of which they will have no answer to. Instead they will use the language of obfuscation and diversion. Here is a list of terms they will use and what they actually mean;

Progressive – e.g. We (the Libs/Cons/Labs/UKIP) will undertake to bring in progressive policies on tax/education/NHS. They have rendered the word utterly meaningless (try the sentence without using ‘progressive’, it’s the same), progressive implies forward thinking, forward movement, improvement, all the things governments tend not to be once elected.

Democracy – a system of government where the ruling elite are voted into power by the people. British democracy allows a government to be elected by 35% – 45% of eligible voters or 25% – 35% of the electorate who actually voted. This means that we could have a government in place which didn’t register a vote by up to 75% of the country. See also Democrat – a person that believes such a system is fair.

Battle Bus – a coach taking slightly known politicians (the big hitters will travel by chauffeur driven luxury cars) to marginal constituencies in the hope of a pay off. These ‘buses’ will be adorned with slogans even thick people can relate to like…oh..ermm….’£350million per week for the NHS’, ‘We will ensure Google, Amazon and Starbucks pay their fair share of tax’ or ‘We will vote to abolish the unelected House of Lords’ (see democracy)

Constituents – voters who will be wooed for their vote until June 8th and then forgotten on June 9th.

Manifesto – a work of fiction compiled by all parties to persuade voters their promises are worth more than another party’s.

Hard Brexit – favoured by the Conservatives as a total break from the confines of the European Union. Also a term which is shorthand for welcoming fewer immigrants.

Soft Brexit – means not exiting the EU at all (Liberals, most Labour, SNP and Greens)

Bird-Dogging – those rare but insightful moments where a (usually working class) voter gets close enough to a party leader to ask an awkward question they don’t want to answer in front of TV cameras (see Gordon Brown, David Cameron, Tony Blair).

Over the next period of time – the answer a politician gives to the question, ‘when?’

Chaos – a term describing the Labour party, UKIP and the Liberal Democrats

Opinion Poll – a snapshot taken of public sentiments regarding the election that turn out to be as accurate as a stopped watch

Trans – a Conservative believing in a ‘soft Brexit’

Swing Voters – voters living in rural areas that like to have sex with other people’s wives

Rigged System – term used by losing politicians (see Labour)

I’ll answer your question directly – I will answer a question I haven’t been asked…….again and again until you get fed up of asking it

Mandate – recently met gay couple on a night out

George Osborne – ^#%?*, &@*$, _+=%^&nnn

..more to come…

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