19/04/2017

Guide To The 2017 General Election – Part 1

election4   election5      election6    election3

And they’re off. A seven week sprint to the line begins with a vote in the Commons this afternoon. Who will still be standing as they reach the final furlong? Who do we vote for when they all seem as appealing as sheep eyes in chilli custard? Who can make Britain great again? With 16m people in Britain having less than £100 in savings, which party can make Britain rich again? Don’t worry, over the next few weeks, I can help. Yes, really.

Part 1 – Runners And Riders

Conservatives (also known as Tories, Old Etonians and the Party of Privilege)                       Led by school ma’am Theresa May supported by the richest man in Parliament, Philip Hammond, the 2nd richest man in Parliament Boris Johnson, the richest back bencher George Osborne and a number of other very rich men (for they are mainly men). these people pretend to know what life is like for the JAMs (just about managing), those on zero hour contracts, people languishing on benefits, carers, NHS staff, people fleeing war and poverty from across the world and school kids worrying about their future. What are their answers? Grammar schools (if you live in the right (affluent) areas, cutting immigration to 100,000 (not achieved in the previous 7 years), eliminating child poverty (by bringing back rickets, tuberculosis, starvation and ebola) and turning a blind eye to large corporations paying less tax than a barista on the minimum wage.

Labour (also known as 6th form politicians, loony lefties, champagne socialists and cats fighting in a sack) – Leader Jeremy Corbyn, supported by…….well, not many of his own party…but by the Communists, Marxists, Socialists and the Monster Raving Loony Party. They promise to cut inequality, re-nationalise the railways and energy companies, invest in the NHS, abolish zero hours contracts…..by borrowing over £500billion pounds. It’s like me borrowing £200,000 to buy a Ferrari, unable to make the repayments and having the Ferrari repossessed. That will be the fate of a Labour party which has forgotten who they are supposed to represent – the dispossessed, the poor, the vulnerable, ordinary working people and children looking for opportunities to unshackle their chains and fly toward a more prosperous, fulfilling future. Londoncentric, Islington MP Corbyn knows as much about the North of this country as I do about a turtle’s gastric system.

Liberal Democrats (also known as Chancers, the Unprincipled and Tuition Fee Liars) – Leader Tim Farron, supported by 8, yes just 8, MPs, known for his opposition to gay marriage, is a man whose principles are built on quicksand. They stand for liberal values (unless you’re gay) which include……actually, what do they stand for? Whatever it is, it’ll only take a sniff of a coalition deal to wrestle their principles from their sticky, grubby fingers.

UKIP………………………………..Paul Nuttall ……………………………………………………………………………………………………….. ….Policies…………Immigration   …………………………………………..no, I’ve got nothing.

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