18/03/2017

It’s Comic Relief Next Week, Please Give Generously. Here is a preview of one man’s struggle;

Gideon’s Story

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Once upon a time in Paddington, London Gideon Oliver Osborne was born to parents of limited means; Sir Peter Osborne, 17rh Baronet and Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock. In his early school days he was mercilessly bullied (probably) because he was called Gideon.  He was fond of playing with his own poo and looking up the skirts of his nanny. Gideon was particularly good at bean counting (Cannellini, of course), which would serve him well later in life. At the age of 13 Gideon decided that having a ludicrous swanky name might colour his intended future as a homelessness worker so he became just plain ol’ George. He was awarded a scholarship to Magdalen College, Oxford, managing a 2:1 in Modern History. Whilst there he became a member of the Bullingdon club, (where he met and became friends with David Cameron, what are the chances they could end up the two most powerful politicians in the country?) – a society for the incredibly posh which had initiation ceremonies that included f*cking a pig’s head (Some chickens do come home to roost). George wanted to pursue a career in journalism (life can certainly throw out a few curveballs) but failed to get on a Times trainee scheme. He was then turned down for a job at The Economist. After failing to impress anyone in journalism he turned to a career in politics in the Conservative Research Department. Rising quickly through the Tory ranks due to his engaging personality and intellectual brilliance…..oh, come on you don’t believe that do you?….due to his connections and his father’s wallet he ended up as speechwriter to Conservative leader William Hague, helping him by roleplaying as Tony Blair in mock Prime Minister’s Questions. Hague was trounced in the next election.  In 2001 George was parachuted into the affluent Tatton, Cheshire constituency, winning the seat and becoming the youngest Tory MP in  the House of Commons. Under Michael Howard, Osborne was his third choice for Shadow Chancellor, David Cameron and William Hague having turned him down. In 2005 David Cameron ended up as Conservative leader, mainly because the other candidates were more tarnished than a Victorian silver Claret jug. Osborne was his campaign manager. Cameron kept him on as Shadow Chancellor, and when asked whether he could foresee any circumstances where he would sack Osborne he said, ‘Yes, but he stays in my Shadow Cabinet not because he is a friend, not because we are Godfathers to each others children, not because we were at Oxford together, not because we both sh*gged a dead pig and certainly not because his daddy bankrolls the Conservative Party but because he is the best man for the job.’ Osborne then proceeded to construct budgets over 7 years, all of which unravelled quicker than a Ferrari speeding down Mount Everest. before coming to power in 2010 Osborne attended the ultra secretive Bilderberg conference – a meeting of the worlds top economists, business leaders and politicians. The conference is the subject of myriad conspiracy theories, no media are allowed, no minutes taken and the list of attendees is mostly secret – some believe the Bilderberg group vet country’s future leaders and set policy agendas for those leaders to benefit the rich and powerful. If evidence were required to suggest Osborne was being groomed, in 2008 in Corfu, he holidayed on a yacht belonging to the ultra rich Nathaniel Rothschild along with Russian aluminium magnate Oleg Deripaska and Labour’s policy maker Peter Mandelson. An enquiry was called for but unsurprisingly no one was called to account. Fast forward to 2017 and Osborne was unceremoniously removed from office by new Conservative leader Theresa May, a woman who despises the Oxford/Cambridge/Eton elite as much as the Scots hate the Tories. George needn’t have been worried though as he was still receiving £75.000pa as an MP, £400,000pa from the family estate, £750,000pa from speaking engagements, £650,000 for 4 days per month ‘working’ for US company Blackrock…..and the coup de gras, has now been offered a job as the editor of the London Evening Standard. Remember his track record in journalism? Epic fail. One can only imagine the LES has an ulterior motive for employing a man with no experience in journalism. Is it contacts? Is it political influence? Is it because Osborne is uniquely brilliant? Or is it because he has more posts than a JAM working three jobs to be able to feed his/her family and therefore relates to the ordinary people………..? Whatever the reason George needs your help and Comic Relief, with your contributions, can meet his needs. Give what you can.

..more to follow…

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