17/03/2017

May’s ‘Plan For Britain’; Reminiscent Of Baldrick’s ‘I Have A Cunning Plan’

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The one on the left is Blakey from a 1970s sitcom called ‘On The Buses’. He was the inept boss of a bunch of clueless bus drivers and the butt of many of the jokes. The one on the right looks very similar. Having announced the launch of  a website dedicated to showing how the government is progressing with reference to their ‘Plan For Britain’, Theresa May would probably have been apoplectic to discover the site had crashed, much to the amusement of the Twittersphere. A number of epithets spring to mind; ‘the government couldn’t organise a p*ss up in a brewery’, that they couldn’t ‘score in a brothel’ or ‘organise a hunger strike at a fashion show’. The budget, NHS, social care, Brexit, council funding, railways and energy company price hikes are unravelling the government faster than Usain Bolt riding a cheetah; second by second, thread by thread. The only thing that is more incompetent than the Tories is the Labour Party, which has embarked on a suicide pact causing more self-inflicted wounds than a bullied teenager with their hands in the cutlery drawer. It is said a country gets the politicians it deserves – we must all have collectively buggered a Kakapo. The master plan firstly involves being a global Britain that is outward looking and embraces the world (unless this involves taking refugees and immigrants, doing deals with the EU or putting an arm round the famine stricken countries of Africa). Secondly, they will build a stronger economy where everyone plays by the same rules (unless you’re Google, Amazon, Uber, a banker or a politician).  Third, they will build a fairer society where success is based on merit, not privilege (…sorry just hang on a moment, I’m busy laughing till my earlobes rattle….okay, back in the room – if I mention hundreds of mega-rich party donors and other cronies in the House of Lords, the civil service and Parliament stuffed with people educated at Oxford and Cambridge and the same for media organisations, then you can see why I laugh, not in mirth but in frustration and not a little anger). Finally the Prime Minister plans to build a more united nation that our children and grandchildren are proud to call home (has she ever seen a council estate or listened to Nicola Sturgeon lately?) So, the good folks of the United Kingdom, that’s the Big Plan. Cryogenic chamber anyone?

C4 Reveals New Bake Off Line Up – 25% Smarmy, 25% Miss Fritton, 25% Emo And Reassuringly Still 25% Lesbian

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Danish brainbox and comedienne Sandi Toksvig, quirky ‘comedian’and emo Noel Fielding and food writer Prue Leith have been confirmed to join Liverpudlian Paul ‘Ego’ Hollywood in the new series of C4’s Bake Off. Are these the right ingredients for a good bake or will the programme end up with a soggy bottom? Hollywood is reported to be earning enough to save every starving child in Somalia while Fielding is reportedly looking forward to tasting some hash brownies. Prue has made a career from writing about food (an entire career, how is that even possible?) Toksvig will be aiming to get Danish pastries into one of the technical challenges, and C4 will be ‘thinking lattice, thinking palmier, thinking pin-wheel but will mainly be thinking massive horn’.

Tillerson Floats ‘Pre-emptive’ Action Against North Korea

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US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has said that pre-emptive military strikes against the North Koreans was an option that is ‘on the table’ in response to Pyongyang’s repeated testing of long range missiles. A US missile system has already been deployed in South Korea, much to the irritation of the Chinese. Ironically, in a recent poll asking who people regarded as the most dangerous in the world, Donald Trump came top, 15% ahead of Kim Jong-Un. I can’t be sure whether going to war with North Korea is self-defence or akin to beating up the special needs kid because he was taking sh*t.

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