14/03/2017

Scotland, The Neverendum Story

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Scotland – cold, dim, windy and foggy. The weather is also pretty awful. Dwarf Queen Nicola Sturgeon is pressing the UK Government to allow a second referendum on Scottish independence before the UK leaves the European Union. Economically Scotland is a net gainer from being part of the United Kingdom so voting for ‘freedom’ from the Union would be akin to lemmings voting for which cliff to jump off. Since gaining greater powers for a devolved Parliament the SNP has presided over a drop in oil revenues from £1.8billion to £60million, they have slipped 20 places in the world’s education tables, the Scottish football team is now on a par with Moldova in FIFA’s world rankings and the number of heroin users has risen to the top of European drugs table. Even whisky sales and exports have dropped below Japan. Scotland has a population of 5.2 million, while England has a Scottish population of 8 million. Shows where they think the money is. Of that 5.2 million, 2.5 million are heroin addicts, 3 million are alcoholics and the rest live in remote communities where they still burn women for being witches. A vote for independence would mean Scotland becoming even more of a 3rd world country than it already is. The best thing the UK government could do would be to tow the country into the North Sea and see how long it is before they come (front) crawling back, begging to be part of the UK again. Civil servants have been tasked with ‘thinking the unthinkable’ (which surely makes it ‘the thinkable’) to come up with a new name for the UK if Scotland were to commit cultural suicide. The frontrunner is Former United Kingdom (although this has an unfortunate acronym).

Dangerous Outfits Syndrome (Yes, Of Course It Exists – Doctors Say So)

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Wearing a big necklace, carrying a full handbag, spraying on a pair of skinny jeans or tottering to the pub on a pair of six inch heels puts women (and transgender women) at risk of suffering back problems, say doctors. In a comprehensive study of 0 women medical experts (the British Chiropractic Association, BCA) have concluded the risk to health is considerable – based on hearsay evidence. Our own Prime Minister, Theresa May, wears pearl necklaces every day….I just stopped myself continuing with that sentence….and, according to the BCA is running the gauntlet of ending up bent as a hedge fund manager. Included in the treacherous clothing list are Asymmetric dresses and skirts as they put women in danger of a pulled muscle or even disc problems. The cynic in me might construe that the BCA are trying to drum up business from the gullible. In fact that’s exactly what I’m saying.

Trump Aide Spy Nonsense

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Senior Adviser to Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, has given an interview to newspapers in which she suggests former President Barack Obama could have spied on Mr Trump by turning his microwave oven against him. I’m not making this up. She claimed that covert surveillance could have been carried out by ‘microwaves that turn into cameras’. This is a SENIOR adviser, a woman who believes footage can be taken with a kitchen item which has no lens. If anyone doubted that the world is in grave trouble from the Trump administration, look no further than this ludicrous story. Mrs Conway is responsible for coining the term ‘alternative facts’ and notorious for appearing to encourage TV viewers to buy products from Ivanka Trump’s companies. Trump defended Conway, the woman he calls his ‘baby’ (she is 50 years old) by tweeting, ‘it is amazing how rude much of the media is to my very hard working representatives. Be nice, you will do much better.’ Pass me the smelling salts.

….and finally, a picture of Madonna before getting dressed up for a fancy dress party

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