13/03/2017

One In Ten Would Happily Take One Way Trip To Mars

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Even though the trip would take longer than a commute home with Southern Rail, 10% of us would be willing to give up our life on Earth for a certain death on Mars. Shows you how dire some lives have become under the Tories. In 2024 a mission will be launched to take 5 people on a one way trip to the Red Planet. Chances are that they will die either before they reach Mars or soon after arrival. The lack of gravity during the trip will stretch their spines and bones to a point where they will resemble this; blobfish.png the blobfish. On his recent trip to the ISS Tim Peake grew by six inches so it may be better to take dwarves to Mars – they have more inches to grow in hand. The Mars One mission has already begun weeding out the delusional, the psychotic and the reality TV wannabes. There were over 200,000 applications which have been whittled down to 660. At the end of the process Mars One wants six groups of four to train for the mission. It is rumoured people from all over the world will be given the opportunity to nominate someone for the trip; in the UK that is expected to include; the writers of The Nightly Show, Katie Hopkins, the Welsh, Keith Vaz and Sir Drugly Wiggins. The cost of the venture will be borne by advertising, sponsorship rights, crowd funding and the first intergalactic reality TV series called ‘Quick Brother’, the winner being the last one to die.

TMI Rochelle

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Rochelle Humes…..err…she’s been on tele apparently has posted a picture on Instagram of her new baby’s umbilical cord arranged to say ‘love’ and framed in a pink box. don’t get me wrong if she and her husband Marvin….he was in an X-factor manufactured band, I’m told…want to celebrate the birth of their second child in this way, then fine. But should they post it for the rest of the world to gag over? This is the latest in a long line of ‘celebrities’ over-sharing. I’m betting Beyoncé will be meeting with ‘her people’ to discuss how they can beat this, perhaps she will be photographed bungee jumping with her baby’s umbilical cord or getting a famous chef to turn the placenta into a very fine pate. Thankfully social media was not such a phenomenon when Bruce Jenner had his nuts cut off or when Piers Morgan had his personality wrenched from his cold, dead hands.

Ed Sheeran Sets Sail For Westeros

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Currently riding high in the music charts with songs at number 1, 2, 3, 4…..5, 6, 7, 8, 9……10, 11, 12, 13, 14…..15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20…….21, 22, 23, 24……25. 26, 27 and 28…………..29…….30, 31, 32, Ed Sheeran is branching out into acting on the show Game of Thrones. the creators of the fantasy series released the news during a panel discussion in Austin, Texas. Sheeran himself confirmed the news on Twitter saying, ‘Guess the cat’s out of the bag’, unless he had an actual cat in a bag. Thrones and Doctor Who actress Maisie Williams is apparently a fan and was the reason the writers brought Sheeran in. Going by the length of time some famous people have been in the show Ed would be well advised to watch his back. In other Ed-lines some observers have accused him of ruining the music charts…….by having many songs that people like out at one time – seems a strange reason to criticise him; ‘Oi, Sheeran, you’re killing music….by making good music.’ It’s like telling good restaurants they are killing Macdonalds by serving quality food.

Triggering Article 50

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Okay, Article 50…..Brexit…..new Scottish referendum…..House of Lords amendments…..bleating Remoaners……oh, my…..really, I’ve lost the will to live. The end.

 

 

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