07/03/2017

Need An Ambulance? NHS May Send You An Uber Taxi

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Barts NHS Trust in London is moving ahead with a plan to use Uber taxis to get patients to hospital appointments. In association with private care company Cera the scheme will also see the development of a smartphone app to keep relatives informed, book drivers and co-ordinate care. Following a high court ruling last week that Uber drivers will be compelled to undergo English language tests before being allowed a licence, there may now be moves to force the drivers to learn basic medical skills like brain surgery, resuscitation techniques and talking to people like they’ve just murdered the doctor’s pet Chinchilla. As most people feel as though their Uber driver passed their driving test in an Afghan desert, this probably won’t fill an ill person with much confidence. Cera’s President, Ben Maruthappu, put forward the case for this initiative….but he can’t speak English so we have no idea what he said. There are an increasing number of people, not just conspiracy theorists, who believe the NHS is being run down to such an extent that, in a few years time, the sacred cow of a Health Service being free at the point of delivery will no longer be the prevailing belief and that taking out private health insurance will be the only way to ensure good care. This will result in an American style system where the poor are catered for in hospitals resembling a crack den.

Google Removes ‘Theresa May Is A Reptile’ Stories

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Following a recent glut of stories alleging that Theresa May is an alien shape-shifting lizard Google has removed the majority of them after it was discovered typing in ‘Theresa May, Prime Minister’ their algorithm returned results referring to her as a reptile. Conspiracy theorists have long been of the view that the richest and most powerful in the country, including the Queen and her offspring, are, in fact, aliens. Over 30 years ago sports commentator David Icke (self-styled Son of Godhead) alleged in an interview on The Wogan Show that Britain is in the thrall of lizard-like people covering their real forms in a human skin suit. He cited the ‘fact’ that the royal family are treated in secret hospital rooms by specialist doctors and very rarely, if ever, suffer from conditions that affect ‘normal’ people. Or it could be they are so rich and privileged they do bugger all for themselves and therefore last a lot longer. It is said that the reason Princess Diana was murdered was because she threatened to expose the royals true identity, insinuating in her infamous interview with Martin Bashir that Prince Charles was a ‘snake in the grass’. The conspiracists (I know, doesn’t exist) suggest that the only disease suffered by male royal reptiles is ‘a reptile dysfunction’ and that the real giveaway is the Queen’s favourite film, ‘The Lizard of Oz’.

I Can No Longer Resist – Just How Bad Is The Nightly Show?

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This may be a TV critic’s equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel but it’s an irresistible opportunity to question why TV commissioning editors think the viewing public are little better than imbecilic cretins deserving of nothing more than cringingly puerile jokes, badly conceived and written sketches and interviews with people who were ‘stars’ the best part of 40 years ago. The two hosts so far, David ‘I could eat myself’ Walliams and John ‘I’m a scouser therefore devastatingly funny’ Bishop. In fact the latter could make a real Bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window. Viewers have been switching off in their droves, taking to Twitter to vent their disbelief, but I am now of the mind that it is worth watching to see how bad this drivel can get. The show makes Citizen Khan seem like ‘Only Fools and Horses’.  Bishop began last night by reading out a number of Donald Trump’s recent tweets, which was a bit like copying another comedian’s routine. I don’t know which drugs were given to the audience as they seemed to find some of it funny, whooping and guffawing, presumably after a floor manager held up a placard saying ‘laugh now or we’ll make you come back tomorrow’. My prediction is that by week three the show will be moved to a 10-30pm slot and by week five it will only be available on CITV.

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