21/02/2017

It’s A Bugs Life – Ancient Microbes Found In ‘Hell’

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Scientists have discovered a colony of microbes that are believed to be over 10,000 years old in a place they call ‘Hell’. Deep underground in a volcanically heated Mexican cave system the bugs were found living inside crystal deposits. Some are thought to be 60,000 years old and have survived even though there are no organic plants or life to be found. They were shut off from light and oxygen, obtaining energy from minerals. 90% of the microbes cannot be classified, they are effectively alien life forms, leading scientists to conclude that many planets may harbour versions of life we had previously not thought of. The bacteria and archaea have existed inside water pockets in the crystals, some of which are five metres long and a metre wide. As there is no way of knowing whether any of the hundred or so life forms are dangerous it may be time for those preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse to check they have everything in place – water, food, guns, shelter, more guns, a psychiatrist and T-shirts saying, ‘I Told You The World Was Going To End’…and a few more guns for good luck. Scientists have also warned that with a rising population to feed we are all going to have to consider eating insects and other bugs in the future. Cockroach omelette anyone? I’d rather die of starvation and take my chances in the Afterlife.

Sutton Goalkeeper Under Investigation After Eating A Pie

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An investigation has been launched by the FA and the Gambling Commission after a bookmaker offered odds of 8/1 for 20 stone substitute goalkeeper Wayne Shaw to be caught eating a pie during the game. Wayne said his pie-ping hot meat and potato pastry was ‘delicious’, and he was also pleased after putting £10 on himself to do so, contrary to FA rules. The logic of the investigation escapes me as the bookmaker offered the odds and then complained because someone had eaten a pie. If they didn’t think it was a possibility, why offer the odds? Effectively they were ripping punters off by asking them to place money on a bet that they thought wouldn’t be realised. Film makers are now considering a movie on the subject which involves a Greggs Steak Bake and a Bengal Tiger. Working title ‘Life of Pie’. Sutton were the lowest ranked team in the FA cup fifth round and could be described as pie-oneers. .

For Hitler’s Sake, Speak UP

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BBC’s new Sunday night extravaganza SS-GB has been panned by some because actors are mumbling. I watched it and can say that not being able to hear dialogue wasn’t the biggest issue, in fact at times it was a blessing. The premise of a post-war London being occupied by the Third Reich after we lost the war is fundamentally flawed. It seems a strange conceit that the Germans would abandon Berlin to live amongst the Eastenders eating pie (today’s a bit of a pie day!) and liquor (okay, I’ll eat the bloody insects then) and listening to cockneys squawking on about a ‘herman’ (German), a ‘pasty’ (Nazi) or a VW Golf (Adolf) is as unlikely as Wayne Shaw playing for Barcelona.

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