Sir Wiggo Quits The Jump After Breaking Leg

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Sir Bradley Wiggins has become the second casualty of C4’s winter sports programme The Jump, after breaking his leg in training. Wiggin’s support team immediately sent for help from his doctor in the UK, who then travelled to Austria via Moscow and Dubai with a box of totally legitimate drugs. Unfortunately this time TUEs (Therapeutic Use Exemption i.e. non performance enhancing, perfectly legal drugs to help with an existing condition which shows itself just before a major race) could not improve Bradley’s performance and he was forced to quit the show. Sir Wiggo thanked his medical team for making the effort but this brought on a chronic bout of asthma for which, thankfully, he had medication for. He thanked his doctor for his foresight. Wiggins had been the bookies favourite to become the first victim of the infamously dangerous show but Vogue Williams (…?..no, me neither) beat him to it at 12/1. C4 are furiously looking for a replacement, approaching the drug free two-time Tour de France winner Chris Froome, who took the Diane Abbott line and told them to ‘F*ck Off’.

Justice Secretary Blocks Calls To Reduce Prison Population By Half

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In a major speech on the Criminal Justice System later today Justice Secretary Liz Truss will outline her plans to ease the pressure on Prison Officers by putting her fingers in her ears, closing her eyes and screaming ‘La,la,la,la,la’. Former Justice Secretaries have urged her to cut the prison population by releasing up to 40,000 prisoners to bring convict numbers down to the levels of 1990. Mrs Truss has stated she will not do this as it would ‘send the wrong message’. Too right it would. She blamed the doubling of the numbers of people behind bars on better policing, improved conviction rates and harsher sentences……back to the politics of the bleedin’ obvious. There have been four prison disturbances in recent months and the Prison Officers Association and the Kaiser Chiefs predict a riot again soon. Reasons given for the upsurge in violence include; lack of Prison Officers, too many drugs in jail and the fact that prisons are full of criminals.

Brexit Blamed For 40% Drop In Cosmetic Surgery Procedures

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After being blamed for global warming, the rise of Trump, BBC’s ‘Let It Shine’, David Beckham’s lack of a Knighthood and the lettuce shortage Brexit is now said to be responsible for a significant fall in the number of people paying for cartoon boobs and lips like a monkey’s arse. Surgeons who had been making more money than Philip Green complain that ‘global uncertainty’ has caused a downturn in their income. Everybody say ‘aww’. The reason could be that women (for it is mostly women) in 2017 have come to their senses and are feeling more comfortable in their own skin and no longer see Kim Kardashian’s backside, boobs and face as desirable. Or it could be that they’ve all seen Channel 5’s ‘Botched Up Bodies’ and that paying £5000 to a butcher surgeon is a bit of a gamble. If this trait continues many surgeons will go out of business and may have to resort to doing something worthwhile, like working for the NHS.


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