Trump’s New Plan To Detain All Muslims Trying To Enter US For 8 Weeks

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After losing his case for the continuation of the Muslim travel ban Donald Trump has drawn up new plans to make it as difficult as possible for Muslims to get into the country. This is muted as part of the ‘extreme vetting’ process by detaining Muslims from the 7 banned countries for up to 8 weeks in the hope this will deter the sons and daughters of Islam from travelling to the US in the first place.  Trump will ask Mexicans to build 100 new detention  centres along the same lines as Guatanamo bay, where Muslim women and children will be waterboarded to see if they really, really want to live in America. Protests  are expected right across the US but anyone with a banner will be arrested and taken to one of the 215 new centres to be built for non-Muslim protesters. A further 59 detention centres will be constructed to accommodate  journalists not behind the President’s programme for change. Anyone else dissenting will be charged with being ‘un-American’ and jailed for two years. Vladimir Putin and Bashar Al Assad have congratulated the President for using the Russian/Syrian model of democracy to silence the voices of opponents. On hearing of the plans Democrat heads began to explode, which is no longer allowed by Trump decree, so they will be removed from the Senate and placed in the middle of the Nevada desert with one bottle of water and a pair of sandals. ‘Let God decide their fate,’ tweeted Trump, ‘and by the way please buy Ivanka’s jewellery. Very good quality merchandise. Very good. Very, very good’

‘Proof’ That Dogs Mirror Owner’s Personality

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Austrian researchers have provided evidence to suggest that dogs take on the personality of their owner. 100 dogs were tested for their response to threat, measured cortisone levels and their heart rates. Owners were then also assessed for personality traits such as neuroticism, extraversion, agreeableness and conscientiousness. The personality of the dogs was also then assessed by questionnaire. How the dogs filled in a questionnaire I have no clue. However, scientists don’t tend to let a nonsensical methodology get in the way of a good argument. Dr Iris Schoberl of the University of Vienna concludes that owners and dogs influence each others coping mechanisms. Dogs have lived alongside humans for around 30,000 years and no one has noticed this in all that time. Dr Schoberl may be looking for an extension of her research  grant, her next goal being to prove the theory of the bleedin’ obvious. For those canines who live for years as a lovely, good natured pet and then one day rip their owners throats out, it can now be assumed the owner must have turned into a psychopath and the dog just mirrors this. Dogs can, of course get a bit freaked out by their owners, like a blind skydiver -scares the bejesus out of the dog.


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