10/02/2017

Court Defies The Donald By Upholding Muslim Travel Ban

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Donald Trump’s doctors have been called to deal with his apoplectic fit after another court ruled that his travel ban on Muslims from 7 countries was unconstitutional and discriminatory. The 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals refused to block a lower court ruling which brought the President’s Executive Order to a halt. Trump was taken to the CIA building to take part in a waterboarding session to relieve him of stress. His advisors have told him that he cannot abolish judges or the law but he’ll try anyway. ‘What a f*cking liberty,’ he tweeted. If Trump pursues the matter (what am I saying, IF?) the case will go to the Supreme Court, which is a bit like the European Court only not as impotent or incompetent. Or rigged (try telling POTUS that one). As there are only 8 Supreme Court judges, 4 Democrat, 4 Republican, the case will end in stalemate, which means the travel ban will remain in place – what he’ll do then is anybody’s guess. Back to nuking Iran, North Korea and Syria I presume. Two of the judges, Chad Norris and Chad Brady will be taken to task by the President. In fact when he’s finished with them they’ll probably be known as ‘hanging chads.’ Of course people come to the US from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi, selling hotdogs or working in a sweatshop. Those refused entry may well be the lucky ones in a Trump fuelled USA. After all America has given the world; Drive thru (sic) banks, pharmacies and liquor stores, sugar-frosted, honey-coated deep-fat-fried cheese sticks…with a diet coke, bumper stickers that say ‘Honk if you hate noise pollution,’ and ‘football’ where the ball is mostly thrown and carried by hand. God Bless America…no, God Help America.

Drivers Who Fail To Indicate Top Poll Of Worst UK Driving Habits

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A poll of British drivers shows that their number 1 pet hate is people who do not indicate. Also in the firing line are middle lane hoggers, selfish parkers, speeding and not thanking other drivers. The list is fully comprehensive. I would though add to this; drivers travelling at  20mph in a 30mph zone or 40mph on a motorway, drivers who use their brakes more than the accelerator, Chelsea tractor types who unnecessarily use full beam, blinding oncoming traffic, those who indicate right and turn left and Porsche owners (never met one who wasn’t a complete pr***). Not that I’m perfect because apparently I snore so loudly that it scares the people in the car that I’m driving. In fact my partner is really negative. I remember the car seat, the buggy and the nappy bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby. I do get mixed feelings sometimes though, like when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. I recently bought a new Japanese car, turned the radio on and couldn’t understand a word they were saying. The RAC poll of 2100 autoists found that three quarters of car drivers comprise 75% of motorists (who the hell believes polls anymore anyway?).

Sex And Relationship Education To Be Compulsory  (unless parents opt their children out)

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MPs look set to back a proposal to change the law to force secondary schools to make Relationship Education compulsory in the National Curriculum. Muslim and other faith schools may be excluded. The change will include classes on how to protect themselves from sexting (maybe take their phones away or is that against their human rights?), and what consent means in sexual relationships (to be conducted through the prism of explaining prostitution). Currently only council-controlled secondary schools are required to teach children in Biology classes (who knew?). Academies and free schools, which make up the majority of secondary schools, are able to decide for themselves which format, if any, they take on the issue. This would be the biggest overhaul of sex education for 17 years. In the 1970s sex education consisted only of teachers warning about the dangers of meeting Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris and Fred Talbot. Pupils will also learn about drugs like Viagra citing the case of a man who died after using it but when he was buried they couldn’t close the casket. I had ‘the chat’ with my children. I told them that the Titanic sank because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage. I have learned a lot myself over the years so whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection – a fake name and a fake number. Sometimes during sex my girlfriend wants to talk to me – only the other night she called me from a hotel.

Quinoa Genome Mapped….Hooray

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Geneticists have completed mapping the Quinoa genome paving the way for more widespread consumption of the increasingly popular superfood. Quinoa (pronounced ‘Keen Wah’ if you live in trendy parts of London or ‘Kwin Oh Ah’ if you’re not a pretentious arsehole) is a bitter tasting grain which makes Kale smoothies appear palatable. Vegans, vegetarians and other food fascists swear by the health properties of the coarse sand-like substance but if I asked for it at my local Asda I’d probably get beaten up. Gwyneth Paltrow has been on tenterhooks awaiting this radical breakthrough and will be selling it through her website for £150 per kilo. The irony is that poor Peruvians and Bolivians, for whom this is a staple of their diet, can no longer afford it as the price has risen exponentially as more and more celebrities expound it’s health benefits. Quinoa – hippy caviar. I’ve tried to eat more healthily; for breakfast I have a Kale and banana smoothie, for lunch avocado toast and quinoa salad and for dinner 8 doughnuts, 2 buckets of fried chicken and a bottle of wine.

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