04/02/2107

Britain Is Shrinking

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Scientists responsible for measuring the effects of erosion on the British coastline have concluded that Britain is shrinking on average by 7.8m per year, and the rate is rising as increasingly violent weather systems rage across the country more frequently. The Scientists Overseeing Uk Projects (SOUP) group estimate that within 300 – 500 years many of Britain’s most loved coastal towns will be completely lost to the power of the sea. Most at risk are thought to be Skegness, Newquay, Leeds, Deal, Whitby, Wolverhampton, Salcombe, Tenby, Oxford, Ilfracombe, Beaumaris, Looe and Whitehaven. The Ilfracombe tourist board issued a statement, ‘There is no need for undue panic, Ilfracombe will remain intact for some time, only your great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren will be affected.’ There are many climate change sceptics. These people are called Americans. In just 10 millennia Britain will exist only as two mile stretch of rock comprising three Starbucks, an Aldi and a tanning salon. US President Donald Trump has a plan to fight record high temperatures – he wants to switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. Trump was concerned that global warming was happening quicker than he thought until his advisors told him it was Springtime. I don’t wish to worry any reader but the latest UN report on climate change says the outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which means it must be pretty bad because they originally predicted global warming would destroy the planet.

Trainee Priests Hold Service In Gay Slang

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A service for trainee priests in Cambridge has been conducted in Polari, a language used by homosexuals in Victorian London. The service was intended as a commemoration of LGBT history month. The congregation was told that the use of the lexicon was an attempt to “queer the liturgy of evening prayer,” at which point the trainees looked as bemused as a altar boy at a Mosque. A spokesman for the church said they felt ‘regret’ over the incident but that ‘the road to enlightenment is paved with good intentions’. The service translation was based on the Polari bible, a work compiled by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (yep, that is true) in 2003. Instead of the traditional “Glory be to the father, and to the son, and the Holy Spirit” the prayer offered was: “Fabeness be to the Auntie, and to the Homie Chavvie, and to the Fantabulosa Fairy”. Of course the Catholic church does not believe in homosexuality, although this seems to be at odds with the number of priests caught fraternising unlawfully with the choir – after all if God hates gays, why did he create them? And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Leaked Beckham Emails Question Star’s Motivation In Charity Work

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Questions over David Beckham’s charity work with UNICEF have arisen after a number of emails were leaked online. A spokesman for the ex-England captain says the information is outdated and inaccurate and that the emails were ‘hacked, doctored and private.’ Taking a leaf from the Donald Trump playbook Beckham’s representatives suggested the story was “Fake news..so so fake. It didn’t happen.’ It is thought the emails contained Beckham’s innermost thoughts……’Food, Kids, Count money, kick ball, Victoria.’ and some references to current Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho describing him as popular at Old Trafford as a Jew in Iraq. He also refers to wife Victoria’s fashion range as ‘anorexic chic.’

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