Vegetable Rationing – Just The Tip Of The Iceberg?

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Some of the major supermarkets are being forced to ration certain vegetables due to crop failures in Spain and elsewhere in Europe. Iceberg lettuces, courgettes, broccoli and aubergine availability is limited so Asda, for example, is capping the number of broccoli heads which can be purchased at 3. The good news is that the number of people buying more than 3 heads of broccoli at a time is estimated to be no more than 17 and each one of those is a celebrity food Nazi living in Notting Hill a la Gwyneth Paltrow. As every person who eats food knows vegetables are the work of the Devil and exist on a par with consuming a cockroach smoothie in a Bushtucker Trial. Now that Sainsbury’s, Tesco, Asda, Morrisons and the Co-op have free shelf space for other fruits and vegetables like coconut mushrooms, pear drops, cherry lips, banana chews and fruit drops we can all look forward to a more rounded shopping experience. No one goes down the vegetable aisle with a smile on their face. Whilst the scientists are keen to tell us how good fruit and vegetables are for our body and mind why can’t they do more research on tampering with genes to create broccoli tasting of chocolate? Better that than telling us one week e.g. coffee is good for longevity, the following week coffee is a silent killer, then back again. I believe it’s good for me because I drink a lot of it. These are the very scientists who say global warming is real, yet year after year summer lasts only between Jun 10th and Jun 15th. Even Donald Trumps knows climate change is a Chinese hoax to undermine western economies……….. nah, I can’t let you think I believe that. Remember, if you’re out jogging, no matter how slow you go, you’re still lapping everybody on the couch and if anyone tells you you’ve put too much peanut butter on your bread, stop talking to them, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. One simple rule to bear in mind is; Eat healthy, Exercise, Die anyway. Now for that bacon sandwich…………….

Npower Raise Prices By 15%

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Greedy b*stards. There, I’ve got it off my chest. Npower have announced substantial rises to the price of gas and electricity in response to, they say, the increased cost of buying raw materials. This could be a reasonable argument but when costs to the electricity and gas companies decreased by 10%, bills did not come down as a result. This may lead some to conclude Npower is taking the consumer for a ride, that they are only interested in increased profits to pay shareholders and executives. A former boss of Npower, now based on a yacht in the Caribbean, without any irony, said the price rises were ‘shocking’. Consumer groups said the cost of power was rising at ‘lightning speed’ and the government should step forward with a ‘positive’ plan. Npower’s marketing manager (£200,000pa) stated, ‘This is a hugely difficult decision, and we’ve delayed the date this takes effect until after one of the coldest months of the year.’ Everybody say ‘ahh’ and put your hands in your pocket, their pensions won’t pay for themselves.

Eleven Arrests During Protest Against ‘Conservative’ Comedian

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Students at New York University staged a protest against the appearance of a ‘Conservative’ comedian, Gavin McInnes, at which eleven people were arrested. Americans are not known to be strong on irony but it appears the student body is against free speech – the main tenet of Western society. The protesters railed against a man known for his incendiary language and right-of-centre views. Mr McInnes was astonished at the level of vitriol at the protest saying, ‘Ah, they’re just lesbians, faggots and communists, the sort of people who are naming their kids after things they can’t afford, like Mercedes, Pearl, Diamond, Rent, Insurance, Phone bill. Who cares what they think?’ before being flattened by a concrete baseball thrown from the crowd. Before going to watch a comedian myself recently I went to a restaurant where I was asked whether I’d like a table. ‘No,’ I said, ‘Not at all. I came here to eat off the floor. Carpet for 5 please.’ Finally, let’s end on a positive note; the universe is constantly expanding. That should help with the traffic problem.’


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