Beyoncé ‘Reimagining Womanhood’
Beyoncé has announced to the world via Instagram that she is pregnant with twins…………social media went into meltdown as the picture of her wearing a veil and wearing blue pants was shared all over the world. The story could be easily summed up as ‘woman gets pregnant’ but ‘feminist icon’, the barely dressed, Mrs Carter has a high degree of traction on the internet as people gushed how clever she is to have managed to have been knocked up by shy and retiring rap star Jay Zed (*note Jay Zee is pretentious, is a zoo a Zeeoo? Or Zero, Zee ero?). The news that Beyoncé is expecting twins has indirectly shown up Donald Trump’s cabinet as she now has more black people inside her than have been appointed to the Trump team. One Twitter comment said, ‘This pic is a powerful statement on bodies, maternity and the Sacred. Beyoncé continues to push us to reimagine womanhood. A feminist icon.’ Is b*llshit or claptrap too strong a word? It is clear from the reaction on social media that Beyoncé is the first woman to have ever become pregnant AND shared a semi-naked (but in a feminist way) picture of the mother-to-be. A New York magazine writer gushed, ‘Beyonce waited until Black History month (to tell us) because she loves us so.’ If true this would be a fairly cynical move as Jay Zed and Beyoncé are about as committed to black rights as I am to saving the habitat of the Corncrake. One question to be answered by this momentous news is ‘How does Beyoncé change a lightbulb?’ Answer; she just holds it and the world revolves around her.
Church Of England ‘failed terribly’ Over Child Abuse Allegations
Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has apologised on behalf of the Church of England for not reporting the head of a Christian charity who was accused of physically and sexually abusing young boys. John Smyth QC recited passages of the Bible as he beat boys with a cane and made them strip naked. He abused a total of 22 boys while the Church hierarchy not so much turned the other cheek as turned a blind two eyes to the plight of vulnerable youngsters. Rev Welby was contrite when interviewed and evasive when asked ‘What Would Jesus Do’ in the circumstances? Catholicism, Islam, the Church of England and others have been accused of ignoring claims of abuse over a 50 year period. In fact they have covered up so much it may argued they were almost endorsing the paedophiles, especially in the Catholic church where one confession can absolve the perpetrator of all sins. Little wonder few people go to church each week – chances are your priest, vicar or Imam is touching up the choir. To the head of the C of E, Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Preamble To WWIII – US Defence Secretary Visits South Korea
Donald Trump’s Defence Chief Jim Mattis has arrived in South Korea to discuss the deployment of a missile defence system aimed at preventing North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un keeping to his stated aim of destroying their Southern neighbours along with the US. Kim has threatened to test an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) this year, to which Donald Trump ominously tweeted ‘It will not happen’. Betting companies which have refused to take wagers on the assassination of Trump are also disinclined to take bets on Trump nuking North Korea, currently only 5/1 on the wider internet betting market. Kim presides over a country where censorship is all pervading and dissent is dealt with harshly, so much so that when I asked a friend of mine in N Korea how things were, he said he couldn’t complain. Trump may not have been everyone’s choice of US President but even the naysayers may find solace when he refers to the North Korean leader as a retarded, slanty-eyed faggot to his face. We’d all like to see that, right?