01/02/2017

Former Ambassador Warns Trade Deal With EU Could Take Until Mid 2020s

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Sir Ivan Rogers, former EU ambassador, has been forced to admit he warned the government that it could take up to 10 years to thrash out a trade deal with the Union members. He also predicted talks would be on a ‘humongous scale’ involving ‘difficult trade offs’, and that these talks would be conducted in an ‘extremely feisty atmosphere’ including ‘name calling’ and many arm wrestling competitions. Fortunately for us Prime Minister Theresa May has arms like Samson and killer heels. Germany’s dwarf leader Angela Merkel will be pulverised in the melee as she is now politically weaker than my wi-fi signal. Sir Ivan’s evidence to the Commons European Scrutiny Committee included a confession that after he had written a briefing to the Prime Minister in October he had no idea how it became public. And he said it with a straight face. Sir Ivan was so powerful he makes Trump look like the tea lady – if he doesn’t know how the information came to be in the public domain, no one knows. But, he does know and we know – he’s not called ‘Rogers’ for nothing. He tried to roger the government, which made Keith Vaz prick up his ears and Chris Bryant tried to find him on Grindr. Sir Ivan is one those who make true the adage that government/politics is just show business for ugly people. In terms of the word ‘hypocrite’ Sir Ivan told the committee that ‘Brussels is very leaky….stuff will get out. and incessantly in my view’. Still with a straight face, yet so crooked he could eat a nail and spit up  a corkscrew.

New Doctor Who To Be Trans-Black

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Since Peter Capaldi’s announcement that the next series of Doctor Who will be his last, speculation over his successor has been rife. Should it be a woman? Black? Gay? Supercilious? Former companion to the best two doctors (Ecclestone and Tennant) Billie Piper believes it is time for the role to go to a female, others suggest a black actor e.g. David Harewood or Snoop Dog. BehindTheNews understands that the BBC is considering using a black male actor who identifies as female to be the 13th incarnation of the doctor. This would tick so many boxes at the Biased Broadcasting Corporation that the fatcats at the BBC Trust would be wallowing in self-congratulation until time itself ends. The once very popular series has struggled to maintain an audience since Capaldi joined, with over-indulgent writing and spectacularly silly plots, a fate which befell Sherlock by the same writers. Fans of the show only require three things in an episode; humour, plausibility and peril. Only one thing to do now; a couple of doctor, doctor jokes.

Doctor, doctor I’ve lost my memory  – When did this happen? – When did what happen?

Doctor, doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes – Have you seen a doctor already? – no, just spots

56 Ticket Rail Journey To Save £60

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A football fan travelled to a match using 56 tickets after taking a friend’s advice to get a ‘split’ ticket. Newcastle fan Jonathan Heywood highlighted the ludicrous ticketing system on our railways, which has 16 MILLION fares available, most of which have never been bought. Mr Heywood waded through the fares on offer and bought 56 tickets for him and his girlfriend to travel to Oxford, saving £60. In  October a Commons committee investigating rail ticketing said the system was dogged by “unfairness, complexity and a lack of transparency”. Train companies heard but didn’t listen as they blamed government regulation for the problems. That’s the problem with privatised companies – when they screw up it’s still the government who are responsible. Might as well just nationalise it then – Jeremy Corbyn and me, we’re like that. The best way to ensure you get the cheapest fare is to book 6 weeks in advance of a full moon while praying to Hermes and jumping through a Hula Hoop.

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