Trump Versus ISIS – “We Must Fight Fire With Fire” And Turn Isis Into WasWas

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Unassuming wallflower President Trump has said he has no objection to the US using torture as a means of gleaning information from captured ISIS fighters. After Barack Obama outlawed the use of waterboarding during his Presidency, Trump asked US Intelligence whether mock drowning worked and, told that it did, has agreed to allow it’s use once again. The President argued that the US needs to ‘fight fire with fire’. This may or may not prove disastrous and dangerous for Americans abroad but when I hear ‘fight fire with fire’ I am moved to say that the Fire Department usually use water. Six days into his first term Trump has begun to make good on the many promises made on the campaign trail. He will build the wall, he will ban Muslims, he will tax Mexicans sending money from inside the US to Mexico, he will put ‘America first’, he will slash taxes for business and citizens and he will ‘drain the swamp’ – no matter what your politics you have to admire Trump’s appetite to change America in the swiftest possible time. He’s quite mad of course and he may not last a full term but he has kicked the Establishment in the nethers (in future to be referred to as ‘The Full Brexit’) proving to all protest movements that change is possible as long as you have a megalomaniac in charge. In his interview with ABC Trump answered some wide reaching questions; what do you call a drunk Muslim? Mohammered, what do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion? Anything you want she’s already been stoned to death, what do you call a fat Islamic radical? Allahu snack bar. The Donald has been told that building the wall with Mexico is pointless as the net migration from Mexico to the US has been around 0% for the last 10 years after Obama quietly (very quietly) put measures in place to stop the ‘hordes’. Trump doesn’t care, he says the wall is ‘symbolic’ – that’s $10 – $20 billion on a whim although the UK is forking out £50 billion on renewing a nuclear deterrent we can never use, £78 billion on overseas aid to countries who don’t need it and £70 billion on HS2 to cut 20 minutes off journey times from Manchester to London – the wall starts to look cheap now.

Wong Direction

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No, not a Chinese version of One Direction sponsored by Britain’s overseas aid budget. A man in China decided to cycle 1700km home from Rizhao to Qiqihar only to discover 30 days into his journey that he had travelled 500km in the wrong direction. The unnamed man (research shows him to be Sum Ting Wong) was stopped by police after illegally cycling on a highway. They informed the man of his error and paid for a train ticket home. The police told the man that his wife had fallen off half a mile back. Mr Wong replied, ‘thank God for that, I thought I’d gone deaf’. My family have a love of cycling, so much so that my granny started cycling at 97 years old. She’s been doing ten miles a day and now no one has the faintest idea where she is. I’m no Tour De France expert but it seems the best way to win is to wear a yellow t-shirt or, if you’re Bradley Wiggins, with a TUE to control life limiting, chronic asthma.



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