Half An Inch Of Snow, A Bit Windy And Temperatures Plummeting To The January Average – UK Comes To A Halt
People in Scotland, the North East and South East have suffered a record snowfall……for 2017. Winds have reached a perfectly reasonable speed for Winter, temperatures are absolutely compatible with the time of year and snow has fallen to an insurmountable half an inch thick. Train services have been cancelled, mainly on Southern Rail who are on strike anyway and millions of operations have been cancelled by the NHS who say they were going to cancel them due to a shortage of money……. say NHS executives earning £500,000 per year. People have been urged to check on elderly neighbours at this time to see if they’ve heard the latest about Donald Trump’s antics in a Moscow hotel room. In my area it has been raining cats and dogs all day – when I went out I stepped in a poodle. In London, which is full of ‘snowflakes’ (no, Giles and Annabel your 4 year old is not transgender), it was so cold Starbucks were serving coffee on a stick….for £8-50. Many old people in the capital have had to empty their freezers and huddle inside to get warm.
Tristram Hunt, a working class Labour MP – with a name like Tristram? Oh come on – has quit the Labour Party for a more lucrative job at the Victoria & Albert museum in London. Hunt is the brother of Tory Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt and is almost as well regarded. Hunt’s Stoke-on-Trent constituency will now face an intriguing by-election as UKIP are nipping at the fast retreating heels of Labour. This may well lead to a number of other resignations from the moderate wing of the Labour Party leaving Jeremy Corbyn’s front bench team having to work three jobs each – apparently politics is the only job in Britain that cannot be done by Eastern European migrants. Polish worker Jakob Jcdylewski applied to Corbyn to become Shadow Foreign Secretary but the job went to a black woman. Jakob believes this to be discriminatory and a hate crime. Like a massive sinkhole Scotland Yard are looking into it.
Watch Out – It’s Friday 13th
Yes, it’s Friday 13th which, we all know, is the unluckiest of all days. Teenagers camping at Lake Dangerous will be killed by a maniacal serial killer and, if it’s a really bad day, we’ll all get to see the Trump sex tapes. The reason there is a hysteria surrounding the 13th is the fault of the Bible (still selling well even after 2000 years) – Judas Iscariot (the grass who fingered Jesus) was the 13th apostle, the day Adam tempted Eve with an apple from the tree of knowledge (how do we know that was a Friday? I have no clue), the day the great flood began (big up to Noah for saving us all) and, the big one, the day Jesus was crucified (hope I don’t spoil the story for you but he gets up 3 days later – must’ve been a rubbish crucifixion). Michael Myers was due to be out on a killing spree tonight but Trump has made him Secretary Of State for Defence, so he’s a bit busy.