04/01/2017

Award For ‘Hugely Talented’ Duchess Of Cambridge

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The Royal Photographic Society (the clue here is all in the name) has awarded the Duchess Of Cambridge a lifetime honorary membership of their society for the pictures she has taken of Prince George. The Duchess was obviously unable to pay the normal membership fees and is said to be ‘over the bloody moon’ with the accolade. Kate was the official photographer for William’s stag party, which began with a meeting at Buckingham palace of the top royals (picture above). Andrew and Edward were excluded because they are both gormless wazzocks. Photography is, of course, a front for the RPS as they are the picture taking equivalence of the Masons – a secret society so corrupt that members can only be rich crooks, police officers, estate agents, bankers and/or Philip Green and Fred Goodwin. Kate will now have to learn the secret society handshake which involves dancing round a burning cross whilst sticking a middle finger up at the sacrificial commoner tied to it.

Chickens ‘As Intelligent As Monkeys’

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New research carried out by scientists who have nothing better to do has apparently shown that chickens can count. They could be looking into a cure for cancer but instead spend their multi million pound research grants watching chickens solving complex mathematical questions……….is it me or should someone slap these well qualified scientists across the face until they’re unconscious. If you’re still asking whether poultry can count I would implore you to go for a lie down and when you wake up give your head a wobble and never think about this ever again. Other questions scientists are seeking the answer to are; why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Sir Pompous Resigns

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Sir Ivan Rogers, one of the country’s most senior and experienced civil servants, has resigned because of his views on the progress, or lack of, of Brexit negotiations. Sir Humphrey, sorry Rogers, is well known as a Remain supporter. He composed a ‘private’ email issued to his staff (he, of course, did not know it would come into the public domain…….and the sky is green) in which he effectively said ‘it’s all about me’ and that there is no government plan for leaving the EU. We all assumed that was the case anyway. Sir Ivan earns twice as much as the Prime Minister so why couldn’t he come up with a plan? What exactly is he being paid for? The Department for Exiting the EU (DEXEU) have said they will now replace him with someone who agrees with Britain leaving the EU; possibly Nigel Farage, although this might send Theresa May into life threatening convulsions.

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