28/11/2016

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Why couldn’t it have been Chewbacca?

Star Wars idol Carrie Fisher has lost her fight with the Dark Side. Best known for playing Iconic character Princess/General Leia in the 28 Star wars films, Ms Fisher was the bi-polar opposite of those high-profile stars who believe in their own divinity…..The Kardashians for example, James Corden, Sting (what kind of asshole calls themselves Sting?), and many more. Princess Leia was one of only a few strong female role models of the 70s and 80s. Unfortunately that role was in a sci-fi movie which few women like or would go to see. If I said that sci-fi is the new black, would that help?

Leia was independent, intelligent, beautiful and could pilot a fighter jet whilst comforting an Ewok – see Theresa May? that’s the sort of profile you need to win over the doubters. Disney are looking into the possibility of hiring a replacement for the next film in the franchise ‘Star Wars 29 – From Here To Eternity’; Maggie Smith is the current favourite but Katie Price could be the dark horse. Star wars fans are grief stricken, they would have preferred Jar Jar Binks to have shuffled off this mortal coil and into oblivion (my, Star wars fans do hate that little critter).

Boxing Day Sales Like Christmas TV – Disappointing

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Footfall for the Boxing Day sales was 6% down on 2015. This appears to suggest 6 in every hundred have decided queuing from 5am the day after Christmas is a complete waste of time and energy. How badly do you need a handbag reduced from £1200 to £650? Or a sofa priced at £459 but is only £479 after the sales? However online sales were up 11% which, overall, means that there was a 5% rise in Boxing Day purchases. The news agencies were most disappointed not to be able to film crowds pushing and punching each other over in pursuit of half price socks and pants. The cameras were ready, the reporters were ready, the sales staff were ready, police were on standby and the Army were on backup…..only for 5 or 6 punters to have shown up. One shopper walked away with a 55′ HD UHD 4K AfD UKIP SMART TV priced at £749. It was £699 in August.

Chronic Asthmatic Bradley Wiggins Retires

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Britain’s most decorated cyclist Bradley Wiggins has decided that his health problems related to asthma have curtailed his career. British cycling have told him that there can be no further instances of him using a Therapeutic Use Exemption certificate to get steroids on the eve of a race. Wiggin’s asthma is so bad that he had to inject himself full of a powerful steroid in order to race – three times. Still, it worked because he won those three races, including the Tour de France. The steroids did not, of course, affect Wiggin’s performance……….yeah, right. Wiggins is not alone in suffering from asthma – it is estimated 60% of professional riders also have the condition. Thankfully there are powerful steroids which help considerably – but one wonders why so many cyclists have asthma?…..but it’s all probably above board *chokes* *coughs* *laughs*

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