Bake-Off opens on Channel 4 – 58 viewers see the first episode, Channel 4 say this is in line with expectations. Paul Hollywood says that although the figures are disappointing he has pocketed £4 million and doesn’t really give a sh*t. In line with Strictly and X-Factor the first to be voted off are the black contestants because, as everyone knows, black people can’t bake cakes………apart from Nadiya, who, coincidentally, is a contestant on the BBC’s replacement programme ‘Strictly Muslim Dancing’ – the costumes are a little Conservative, sequinned burka’s, and the dancers cannot touch or look at each other. Comedy participants are rumoured to include Keith Vaz, Citizen Khan (voted marginally less funny than ‘Rillington Place’) and his brother Amir and Naz Shah.
Britain succumbs to a wave of strike action by postal, railway, airline, prison and Weetabix workers. In a show of solidarity the Labour Party also withdraw their labour from Parliament. No one notices. In a show of solidarity with the Labour party showing solidarity public sector workers also down tools. A few people notice. As a result of everyone showing solidarity with everyone else the whole country is on strike for two months. It is the happiest two months of everyone’s life. Even BBC staff go on strike leaving viewers to endure endless repeats of programmes starring celebrities who have been dead for twenty years. Sounds a bit like the BBC Christmas schedule.
The Christmas soaps contain plenty of drama as Leanne gives birth to Steve Macdonald’s baby. Before being released from hospital the baby declares itself transgender. Wooden top and ex X-factor winner Shayne Ward tells Eva he’s in love with ex-stalker and bunny boiler Maria. Carrying more baggage than an Airbus A380 the relationship will, undoubtedly, last until the wedding day – the place all soap couples discover the writing was on the wall from the very beginning. In Eastenders the misery is ramped up as no one can ‘sort anyfink art’. Phil dies, Jack dies, Ben dies – a typical week in the East End. How are these people paying the rent? Most of them sell either 2lb of apples a day or some grungy dress no one would be seen dead in (Roxy dies, Mick dies, Denise dies). On Boxing Day things cheer up a bit as only Sharon and Jay die, as does the Christmas tree. In Emmerdale one sheep is seen crossing from one field into another. Yep, that’s it.
Four days after his inauguration Donald Trump tweets; ‘I have met the aliens’, causing worldwide panic. Rowing back from his unintentional ‘disclosure’ Trump says he meant to say, ‘I have met the Alans – Shearer and Carr.’
Follow Google’s Santa tracker to find out when he will be stopping at your house. Don’t know why he’s stopping in Muslim countries though.