Predictions For 2017 – Part 1

In January a mass brawl will break out in Celebrity Big Brother leaving James Jordan and Perez Hilton unconscious after a couple of left hooks from Katie Price. What a great start to the New Year.

After a series of court cases brought by professional foreigners to halt Brexit, the triggering of article 50 is delayed leading to Theresa May calling a snap election for May 4th. Protests regarding the EU’s over-aggressive government regulation by setting fire to the EU flag are halted as the flag won’t burn due to EU manufacturing regulations. Coincidentally the latest of the Star Wars movies is released; ‘Star Wars: The Neverbloodyending Story, May The Fourth Be With You’.

The general election is won by the Conservatives in a landslide. Labour lose 60 seats and the Liberal Demowets take their total of MPs to 11. Tim Farron declares this a seismic move in favour of centre ground politics. Everyone laughs. Jeremy Corbyn views the losses as indicative of a general malaise in voter confidence due to the delay in achieving Brexit. Labour voters disagree stating their ‘malaise’ is down to the inept, incompetent, bumbling, blundering, crass, ill-informed, divisive leadership of Comrade Corbyn.

What remains of the Labour party call for another vote of no confidence in their leader, which results in a leadership election. Jeremy Corbyn takes on Keith Vaz and Anthony Blair for the post. Corbyn wins by a landslide due to the efforts of the North London Socialists (all living in houses worth £1million+ and earning at least 3 times the average wage).

Donald Trump survives an assassination attempt before his inauguration and sets about beginning a nuclear proliferation war with Russia. Trump is stopped from bombing ISIS with nukes and told to go for ‘a lie down’…….for a few months. Theresa May requests an audience with the President to be told he will only speak to Nigel Farage.

Chelsea win the Premier League title by 14 points. Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho claims the reason they ended up 5th and 25 points behind the champions was down to biased referees. Arsene Wenger (Arsenal 4th for the umpteenth time) says he didn’t see it coming and Pep Guardiola mumbled something, ‘..err, yes, football…tactics..Animal Farm…tree bark….isn’t Otamendi shit?’. Leicester beat Barcelona 4-0 in the Champions League final. Wenger resigns leaving the Arsenal board to choose between Carlo Ancelotti and Keith Vaz for the vacant position.

January is the worst on record for snowfall and freezing temperatures. Environmental groups call for urgent action on global warming.

Council tax rises in April cause great hardship with 90% of the population now in arrears. This leads to a 100% rise in homelessness. Consequently protesters take to the streets to argue that Lord Carey should be defrocked due to his stance on same sex marriage. Fingers on the pulse of a nation. Do something useful you beardy, hippy, weed smoking lefties (and the men too) – have you seen how much University fees are?

Inflation rises to 8%. A packet of Jaffa cakes will rise from £1 to £1-08. Scandalous. House prices will rise 10% – so that’s everyone in London doing okay then.

 

 

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