17/12/2016

Retailers Open Their Doors To Autistic Children

autism

Now that 75% of children are diagnosed as either having autism, ADHD. Asperger’s or Rett Syndrome some retailers have decided to allow sufferers and their parents to shop outside normal hours to avoid the stress of large crowds. Unfortunately parents who just have naughty, anti-social children have been gate-crashing these shops by claiming their little cherubs have ‘a sort of syndrome.’ Parents of genuine sufferers are usually made of stern stuff; for them having shit on the walls is not an emergency. There are also moves afoot to provide the same opportunities for 6 – 12 year olds with transgender issues, who form 15% of the remaining 25% of children. A further 8% are gay, leaving 2% who are none of the above but are at risk of contracting bird flu. Merry Christmas.

Birdflumageddon

birdflu

ISIS have launched a new offensive in the West by sending birds riddled with Avian Flu to Britain. A farm in Lincolnshire is the first to be affected with over 5000 turkeys identified to be culled. The carcasses will not, of course, be for general human consumption but if you see a bloke on the local market selling turkeys for a fiver you may wish to keep on walking. Bird flu is the most serious threat facing humanity since the election of Donald Trump………..according to the Daily Express…..but the figures show that more people in the UK have died putting on their socks in the morning than have died worldwide from the ‘virulent’ disease. In fact only people who have ‘an extremely close relationship’ with their birds have contracted the virus. You know what I’m saying.

Gay X-Factor Pair Still Pretending To Be Straight

xfactor

Saturday night TV fodder X-factor is dying a slow death. Fixed, clichéd and manipulative the programme is mired in yet another scandal, and it’s not Honey G. Two of the finalists in this years ‘competition’ have started a gay relationship (no issue with that) but one of them at least wants to keep this a secret as he is scared girls won’t buy his albums. There is a long line of talent show contestants who only decided to ‘come out’ some time after completing their first album. Marcus Collins, Will Young, Joe McElderry, Danyl Johnson, Craig Colton, Christopher Maloney, Lucy Spraggan, George Shelley, Jaymi Helmsley and Seann Miley Moore are amongst those who have played ‘straight’ to further their careers. Newspapers, TV and the X-Factor bosses have kept the identities of the two secret because the  couple don’t want anyone to know and because future record sales would be jeopardised. But, if you don’t want to know the results of my investigation look away now. At this point I must mention the winner of this years X-Factor Matt Terry who is very good friends with losing finalist Freddie Parker. I’m not suggesting anything, just saying. If you are a teenage girl hoping to impress either of these lads you may find you’re barking up the wrong tree (who barks at a tree anyway?).

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