14/12/2016

California Uber Alles

uberselfdriveubersd2

Uber has begun testing driverless cars in San Francisco. An Uber safety driver will be on hand at all times to oversee the vehicle’s movement as the software has not yet passed a driving test. Uber intends to use the technology to introduce driverless taxis. They have not yet figured out a way to stop passengers doing a runner at journey’s end, although as it is the Trump era, fitting the cars with semi-automatic assault rifles is an option. Uber is the company that has no regulation, no background checks and no vehicle checks for their ’employees’, thereby allowing any murderer, rapist, illegal immigrant or terrorist to have unfettered access to Christmas shoppers. A spokesman for ‘Taxis Without A Taliban Service’ who represent legitimate drivers says a study shows 85% of the 11 Uber drivers they could find have a criminal record whilst among Council approved drivers only 84% have a criminal record.

Wonder Woman Sacked For Wearing ‘Provocative Clothing’

wonderwoman

The United Nations has ended a campaign featuring Wonder Woman as an ambassador for women and girls. Although a fictional character it was thought Wonder Woman was an appropriate  role model for the 3 billion females on the planet, including for those who consider wearing a full length blanket immodest. The big-boobed, short pant wearing superhero has only lasted two months as ambassador because she failed to turn up for any meetings. Originally called Linda Carter, Wonder Woman used to work in The Queen Vic in Walford alongside brother Mick Carter before moving to America and becoming the superhero we all know and love. Now known only as ‘Woman’ Wonder Woman has launched a Sex Discrimination action citing Batman as an example as he has been an ambassador for rubber clad psychopaths for the last 10 years. A petition signed by 45,000 people had the desired effect on the UN. The petition read, ‘A large-breasted white woman of impossible proportions, scantily clad in a shimmery, thigh-baring body suit with an American flag motif and knee-high boots” is not an appropriate spokeswoman for gender equity at the United Nations.’ Tut. Women eh? The UN are now considering options for a new ambassador; Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, Caitlyn Jenner and Little Mix. When speaking of equality it is sobering to realise that somewhere on this earth, every ten seconds, a woman gives birth to a child. We must find this woman and stop her at once.

Very Useful Christmas Cake Recipe

xmas-cake

Ingredients

  • 1 cup of water
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • nuts
  • 2 cups of dried fruit
  • 1 bottle Johnnie Walker Whisky

Instructions

  1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
  2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  3. Repeat.
  4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
  7. Turn off the mixerer.
  8. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Hic.
  9. Mix on the turner.
  10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Hic.
  12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit. Hic.
  13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  14. Add one table.
  15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
  16. Greash the oven and pee in the fridge.
  17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
  18. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
  19. Throw the bowl through the f**king window.
  20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

You’re Welcome.

Dear Santa…..

santa

Dear Santa,

I wud lik a kool toy spase ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy al yeer. Yer frend Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a great teacher. How ’bout I send you an app so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell. Love from Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Love Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.  Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice to me? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.  Thanks Santa

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time with showgirls and losing all my cash at the poker table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!  Santa

 

 

 

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