13/12/2016

3 Year Olds On Path To Criminality

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One fifth of the population is responsible for four fifths of crime, two fifths of obesity, three quarters of fatherless families, and for claiming two thirds of benefits. I think I know which family this relates to. And, scientists say, you can identify this group by the age of three. Researchers have developed a test which can tell ‘with considerable accuracy’ who will go on to be the greatest burden on the state. Plans are afoot to segregate those tots who fail the test and educational trips will be made to local prisons to get the youngsters used to the environment. One parent was aghast at the move saying, ‘Just because I’m a career criminal doesn’t mean my three year old will be…….although I’ve been teaching him how to fly a drone into a prison window for next time I get caught.’ Of course labelling a child of three to be ‘prone to criminality in later life’ is as presumptive as suggesting three year old Pandas will grow up to be zebras. Some three year olds will end up being housed by Her Majesty, most won’t. Researchers have now moved on to experiments to prove bears sh*t in the woods.

‘Happy Christmas’ From Southern Rail

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Basket case rail company Southern have caused more misery to their passengers today by holding the first of innumerable strikes. The strike is, apparently, over health and safety concerns for passengers. Passengers, they argue, need the comfort and security of a guard on the trains, otherwise they would not be able to get on or off the trains – this is a similar situation to the current one as passengers can no longer get on or off the trains because they’re on strike. There may be some logic to this but I, for one, cannot see it. Southern rail has been in the news for months over it’s failure to provide an adequate, reliable service to thousands of commuters. However the government has done diddly squat to  bring the company to book, citing the fact that in 2015 Southern was the 3rd worst in the country to now being fourth worst. Result. This is akin to saying Stepping Hill hospital has improved from killing 400 patients a year down to 350. I have an exceptional driving record – last year I had 4 accidents, this year three so I am now a 25% better driver. Perhaps I need a guard.

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