03/12/2016

Vegetarian Café Goes Nuts

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Following news that the new £5 note contains animal fats a vegetarian café in Cambridgeshire has banned customers from paying with the new fiver. In a beefed up campaign of proselytising the Rainbow café has decided to take on the might of the Bank Of England by refusing to accept legal tender. The café also refuses to serve Ukippers, straight people, Brexiteers and Trumpeteers.  They will, however, serve hippies, lefties, liberals and celebrities. The pale, drained looking staff eat a veggie pasty from Greggs each lunchtime and hate themselves for it. I have attempted to grow my own food but I can’t find bacon seeds anywhere.

Uber Ambulances Get Green Light

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The majority of NHS trusts have divulged that their ambulance response times exceed government guidelines. In response Uber have revealed they will have a fleet of ambulances available for members of the public in need of swift emergency treatment rather than having a heart attack and waiting 45 minutes for the NHS to send a vehicle, 25 minutes after death. At a cost of £10 per journey this is cheaper than an NHS ambulance by a factor of 50. A driver for Uber said, ‘Kocham tę pracę – co 3-30 £ za godzinę, jest to dwa razy więcej niż bym się jak w domu.’

Opening Salvos To WWIII As Trump Pokes China With A Taiwanese Stick

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China has launched a formal protest over President-elect Donald Trump’s decision to take a phone call from the Taiwanese Prime Minister, Ms Tsai. China regards Taiwan as an enemy and has long lobbied the US to stop trading with the country who buy billions of dollars of arms from them. With no experience of diplomatic relations Trump looks more out of his depth than Boris Johnson, which happens to be Marianas trench deep. Trump laughed off the spat saying, ‘I love China, I love Chinese…. especially Peking Duck….what? …..What have I said now?’ China have responded by sending a flotilla of ships towards Cuba……..I think we’ve been here before.

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