When She Says ‘Honey’, You Say ‘Why?’, When He Says ‘Balls’, You Agree


After murdering a number of rap tracks, including Tupac, over the last few weeks white, middle aged, middle class ‘rapper’ Honey G has finally been voted off X-Factor. ITV are very unhappy with this development as they think this will cost them at least 3 million viewers, but it will save millions of viewers having to put up with the ludicrous mangling of serious songs by the non-singing ‘artist’. Unfortunately for ITV and the Simon Cowell Organisation the remaining acts are as dull as the debates of Dutch burgomasters on cheese parings and candle ends. Yes, that dull. Honey G ended up in the bottom two for the second time last night with boy band 5am. I heard them both in the sing off and my vote was cast for covering myself in honey and head-butting a wasps nest.

Over on BBC Robert Rinder (sorry, Judge) and Edward Balls (ex-MP) received the fewest votes and threw themselves into the dance off. Balls was stompy, Rinder was camp. Camp won. Balls commented,’I can’t seem to win any kind of election. Is it me?’ Yes. Honey G and Balls have now been lined up for Celebrity Big Brother. Book a date in your diary.

Nuttall Grasps Poisoned Chalice


Party without a point UKIP has finally chosen a new leader who wants the job. Paul Nuttall received 62% of the vote (9200 votes) defeating Raheem Kassam, Susanne Evans and other candidates who were not even household names in their own household. UKIP will now aim to gain the support  of disillusioned Labour voters, the political equivalent of kicking a shitting dog (What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador). Nuttall was congratulated by outgoing leader Nigel Farage, who will now get on with his new job as Donald Trump’s Trade advisor. PM Theresa May said that she would offer Farage a job when the Sun goes out or when monkeys evolve into bubble wrap, whichever is the sooner.

Christmas Adverts Leads To Rise In Cases Of Self Harm


So, this is Christmas and what have you done?……………about 33 Xmas adverts, that’s what. John Lewis is the leader in this new creative industry. Who doesn’t love a bouncing dog on a trampoline? Merry Christmas. That’ll be just me then. Aldi have assaulted my bonhomie with Kevin the tortured carrot – maimed in an number of ways before spending life dangled in front of a reindeer. Oh, and overlaying this is the theme tune from ‘Home Alone’. Pass me the smelling salts. Waitrose pummels us with the tale of a robin trying to get home for Christmas – sound familiar? Revisit John Lewis from 2014.- but what if we get an elf to stamp on the robin’s face halfway through? Now, you’re talking. Merry Christmas everyone. Sainbury’s contribution? At over 5 hours long this is the longest of the Yuletide messages. A man can’t get his presents because he’s stuck on a train – Southern Rail I expect – although he could, of course, order everything by phone. This is the 21st century after all. But worst of all, James Corden singing on the soundtrack………….please stop….please. As a result of the preponderance of sickly sweet, brain numbing awfulness that is the Christmas Advert many people have resorted to self harm in order to combat the sickness they are experiencing. Seems like a plan.


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