Fidel Castro Dies – X-Factor To Pay Tribute
Famed Cuban revolutionary Fidel Castro has passed away after 50 years of defying the mighty American state. American spies tried numerous times to kill Castro as they were frightened of a Communist country being on their doorstep. Castro is rumoured to have survived 600 assassination attempts ranging from; a poisoned wetsuit, a ballpoint hypodermic syringe, exploding cigars, an exploding conch shell, poisoned milkshake and LSD. Having failed so many times it is now clear that the CIA could not have assassinated JFK as they were as useful as a knitted condom. After allowing the Russians a base in Cuba Castro nearly managed to start the Third World War. He should really have waited for the Trump presidency where WWIII is a 60% probability.
X-Factor bosses have hastily re-arranged tonight’s schedule in a tribute to the Cuban leader. All the remaining acts will now sing songs of revolution; Emily Middlemass will open with the Sex Pistols ‘Anarchy In The UK’, favourite to win Matt Terry will tackle Carl Read’s ‘If I Had A Rocket Launcher’, and ‘rapper’ Honey G will mangle Tom Robinson’s ‘Glad To Be Gay’.
Footballers To Wear Black Armbands In Show Of Solidarity To Abused Players
All teams in the EFL will today don black armbands to show support for the over 100 players who have come forward to report being abused as teenagers. FIFA have condemned the move saying, “This is quite clearly a political symbol. We shall be fining every team who defies our directive and sending the money raised directly to the Qatari Football Association.” FIFA’s internal investigatory body the World Talking Federation (WTF) says they will be ‘shoulder to shoulder’ with the FA, in much the same way they would be shoulder-to-shoulder with an ebola patient.
Green Party Candidate Seeks Presidential Re-run In 3 States
Green Party presidential hopeful Jill Stein has launched legal action in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania hoping to overturn the state’s return of Donald Trump as President. Stein has raised over $5million to have a recount in each state. It is not known whether the Clinton Foundation has contributed any of the money. Stein, who received less than 1% of the popular vote in the election, believes she now has a mandate to challenge the election of Trump in the same way as Remainers in the UK believe they should re-run the referendum until they get the ‘right’ result. This is what currently is referred to as ‘democracy’ by those who lost a democratic vote.