25/11/2016

SELFIES Causing Blindness In Teens

monalisa

Research by the Mobile Research into Selfies Authority (MRSA) has shown that taking selfies using a flash can cause extensive damage to the retina or even blindness. Hospital admissions for selfie related incidents have increased by over 412% in the last year. Teenager Jordan Jardin is one of those blaming the manufacturers of mobile phones; he spent 3 weeks in hospital after taking 360 pictures of himself in an hour. He said, “Crying emoji, my eyes hurt emoji, post-truth, lit, cancel, Call Of Duty.”  Jordan has a Samsung phone and contacted them to explain that his mobile had caused him a severe eye injury. Samsung replied, “Who takes over 300 pictures of themselves in an hour anyway? We suggest you don’t do that and perhaps seek the services of a psychiatrist and possibly get a life.”

Black Friday Shoppers ‘Deranged’

blackfriday

Hundreds of thousands of naïve shoppers have queued overnight to bag a bargain  in the annual ‘appropriated from America’ Black Friday event. Retailers opened their doors as early as 5am to allow shoppers the chance to buy goods at knock down prices…..well, slightly knocked down prices..oh, okay the same prices they were two months ago. In the US President-elect Trump has promised to abolish Black Friday and replace it with ‘White Friday,’ as it has more of a ring to it. Most retailers in Britain have had ‘Black Friday’ sales on for 10 days or more, thus making the idea behind ‘Black Friday’ completely redundant. People have been filmed fighting over 60″ televisions, which is ironic as they will be able to watch themselves on the Six O’clock news on the TV they’ve just purchased.

Kardashian Heads To The Jungle

kardashian

Professional celebrity, selfie queen and A grade narcissist Kim Kardashian is to join the cast of ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’ next week. Usually celebrities are not allowed any luxuries in the camp but Kardashian has had written into her contract she will be allowed access to a mobile phone. It is believed Kardashian was not prepared to go two weeks without posting a selfie and needs the money after her recent robbery in Paris. The ‘best popstar in the universe’ Kanye West, Kardashian’s husband, has said he is annoyed that Kim will, once again, have a higher profile than him. He doesn’t like that….one little bit, in fact it’s Heartless. Kardashian once famously said she would break the internet with the picture above – it just broke my heart – #showingmyarseforequality .

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