Beanz Meanz Ouch..zzz


The Advertising Standards Authority (AAA) has banned an advert encouraging consumers to drum out the rhythm of a song on a can of baked beans. The AAA believes this dangerous activity could lead to very stupid people cutting themselves on open cans. The anti-AAA (the AAAA) counter by suggesting this is an evolutionary problem and those who cannot tap a tin can without harm to themselves should be tagged and closely monitored. The AAA have also told advertisers to ensure their Christmas adverts do not include shots of Santa coming down the chimney in case dim fathers try to emulate him. Many consumers are perplexed that the AAA have not first banned the Go Compare adverts on the basis they make the skin crawl and encourage viewers to harbour thoughts of perpetuating extreme harm to that bloody irritating opera singer.

Supermarket Heap – Prices To Rise By 5%


Ex-Sainsbury’s boss Justin King has said that all supermarkets will have to pass on price rises in imported goods by up to 5%. This could mean Marmite will go up to £7-50 per jar, which is okay because I hate Marmite. Poor people will have to start choosing between top of the range goods like fillet steak and caviar or a 10kg bag of rice to tide them through the month.

‘There May Be Trouble Ahead’ – Hammond Delivers Autumn Statement


Chancellor Philip Hammond addressed the House Of Commons today to outline the government’s fiscal direction of travel over the next year. Hammond first covered the forecasts made by George Osborne in 2015 by telling Parliament those forecasts were as useful as a kick start engine on a Motobility scooter. The Chancellor talked eloquently but incoherently for about an hour before MPs started to self-harm. He promised £2billion for R & D, £1billion for B & Q and £1million for M & M’s.

FIFA Investigates ‘the wearing of poppies’ at Wales and Northern Irish matches


The most corrupt and ineffective organisation in the world, FIFA, has launched an investigation against some supporters of Wales and Northern Ireland having the temerity to wear commemorative poppies at their recent Euro qualification games. This follows disciplinary proceedings against England and Scotland for players who wore poppy armbands. FIFA, once led by the Silvio Berlusconi of football, Sepp Blatter, have decided against looking into the corruption leading to the awarding of the World Cup to Qatar and Russia and instead to spend their time and considerable resources briefing against teams wearing a national symbol of sacrifice and commemoration. FIFA has also announced they have been unable to put together their annual non-political nativity play on the basis they cannot find three wise men.


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