22/11/2106

Strictly Star Gets Teeth Knocked Out In Blackpool

strictly

Strictly dancer Gorka Marquez lost his front teeth after being assaulted on his way to a club in Blackpool after the show had ended. The BBC has condemned the assault saying, ‘This is what happens when you visit the North, they don’t call it the Badlands for nothing. Next year we may go to Brighton instead and keep all our southern celebrities, presenters and dancers safe.’ Many viewers have taken to Twitter to offer their support to Mr Marquez, although they have also wondered why it could not have been Ed Balls in the firing line.

E-Sports Awards – No Place For Women

gaming

The annual e-sports awards for the best gamers has thrown up an interesting question for the organisers – why no awards for women? Although women are less likely to be professional games players there are still some who could give the men a run for their money. Critics have argued that there is ‘institutional sexism’ in the gaming industry. Unlike in traditional sport, physical advantages in e-sport are non-existent yet the most popular games are overwhelmingly played by men. Organisers of the event said that women were represented…… in the bars, in the restaurants, in the shops and as the girlfriends of top gamers………..oh no, that last one is most unlikely – dedicated gamers do not have girlfriends, just disillusioned, disappointed mothers.

Academies – Lessons In Failure?

schools

It was the jewel in David Blunkett and Tony Blair’s crown – academy schools. This was the notion that by renaming a school an academy would raise educational standards. However, 83% of school teachers believe this to be a conceit. Pupils were not asked. Now these failing academies are to be renamed colleges and if that goes wrong, universities – which would allow politicians to say that 100% of students have experienced a university education. Academy schools are sponsored by business and are run as such. The Macdonald’s Academy School in Shitlingthorpe, Yorkshire (coincidentally having the largest proportion of obese pupils in England), the Starbucks Academy in Slackbottom, Yorkshire (has the biggest ratio of permanently alert students) and the Philip Green Academy Of Economics (second only to Trump university in reputation) are all examples of this.

Show Your Passports Or No Treatment On The NHS, Foreigners Told

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The Government is considering making foreigners show their passports before being allowed to receive NHS treatment. Those who do not have a passport to show (which includes 15% of the indigenous population) will be left to die under the new rules. The steady influx of foreigners requiring hospitalisation has led to claims that English-born patients are waiting longer for treatment. This would explain why the next available appointment for me at the doctors is March 2018.

The Government has tried to alleviate concerns by answering some of the questions the new policy raises,

Q.  Can I get coverage for pre-existing conditions?

A. Yes, as long as they do not require any treatment

Q. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide a list of all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories; those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. However, there is good news, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a 6 hour drive away.

Trump Continues To Wind Up Tories

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Donald Trump has tweeted that he would consider Nigel Farage a good candidate to be an Anglo-american ambassador. Top tories queued up to share their indignation at the very thought of Farage having a role to play in transatlantic relations. Boris Johnson told the Commons he would rather ‘drill my own brains out’ (to cheers of ‘hear, hear’ from the Commons) than convey any air of respectability to the ex….current….ex….interim UKIP leader..

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