20/11/2016

BBC Lose ‘Children In Need’ To Sky

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The BBC confirmed today that in the wake of the loss of ‘Bake Off’ to Channel 4 they have now also succumbed to pressure from Sky and sold the rights to ‘Children In Need’ from 2017. Sky have indicated they will take ‘no more’ than 5% of the total raised to pay for ‘costs’. Favourite for the presenters slot is James Corden who has reportedly been offered £1million to front the event while his co-presenter Scarlett Moffatt will be paid less than half of that. Cycling darlings of the media, Laura and Jason Kenny, have been pencilled in for The Rickshaw Challenge. Speaking for the pair ‘I just want a quiet life Jason Kenny’ said, “…mumble…..mumble…something..something….mumble.” Tess Daly, who anchored last night’sappeal said,”I.Am.Gutted.Overload.Overload.Batteries.Running.Do………w……n.”

Mourinho Given 5 Games To Save His Job

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Infamous egotist Jose Mourinho has been told he has 5 games to turn around the fortunes of his struggling Manchester United team. After yet another tepid performance against title rivals Arsenal Mourinho complained, “We won the game. They were nowhere. The referee was incompetent. We should have had 3 penalties. How can Mariner (the referee)not see? We were parsimonious, we were strong until the last minute.” A United source said, “We have confidence in Jose but less and less with each passing game. Maybe we should call Ancelotti.” The bookies now give United the same chance of winning the title as they have Elvis winning next years X-Factor.

Nepotism And Nazism – How Trump’s Team Is Shaping Up

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Right-wing Senator Jeff Sessions (Attorney General), even righter-wing Mike Pompeo (CIA Director) and  professional right, right, right winger Lt General Michael Flynn (National Security Advisor) have been appointed to key posts within the Trump Administration. Trump’s latest picks have been praised by David Duke, former leader of the white supremacist group KKK. It was thought Trump may have ‘reached out’ to his rivals but these appointments confirm fears that the President-elect is determined to deport 3 million immigrants, Juan by Juan.

Corbyn Accuses Trump And Farage Of Fake ‘Anti-elitism’

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Anti-elitist Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has accused Donald Trump and Nigel Farage of being fake ‘anti-elitists’ in a speech to the Labour faithful today. He slammed the two as ‘old, rich white men’, ignoring the fact that he is an old, rich, beardy white man. Irony is lost on the man with a senior front bench full of North London apparatchiks. Corbyn spoke with the same level of passion as he did on tackling the case for Remain in the EU referendum.

 

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