19/11/2016

Dinosaur Skin Found In Milton Keynes

dinosaur

Scientists believe they have found a 1 inch square piece of dinosaur skin. In what is being termed as a ‘unique and valuable discovery’ the skin of a Titanophoneus (Giant Murderer) was excavated from underneath the site of a disused roundabout in Milton Keynes. Dr Byron Straker from the Multinational Dinosaur Foundation (MDF) says that this amazing find was a ‘once in a billion’ chance. This equates to the probability of winning £10 on the Euromillions lottery.

Little Mix To Split

Manufactured pop band Little Mix are to go their separate ways at the end of their current tour. A spokesperson for the group said “the girls are taking time out to concentrate on other projects”. Jesy will launch her new fashion label LM, selling sturdy leotards whilst Perrie needs time out to stop banging on about her ex. No one has any idea what the other two will do or even who they are; perhaps I’m A Celebrity or Big Brother….or Strictly…or Celebrity enemas. A reunion tour has been pencilled in for 2020.

MPs Vote For Extended Holidays

Beleaguered MPs have voted 649 to one to take an extra 14 days holiday from 2017. In 2016 Parliament was in recess for a ludicrous 110 days, not including weekends. MPs argue that this is not enough time to pursue second jobs and other interests. Keith Vaz MP, still under investigation for  exploiting Eastern European rent boys as his sex slaves and offering to procure cocaine, was the only dissenting voice against the move saying, “The less time Parliament sits the less time I have to serve on the 33 committees I am a paid member of.”

Child Abuse Inquiry Ironically Dogged By Allegations Of Racial And Sexual Abuse

The Independent Inquiry into allegations of Child Sexual Abuse by establishment figures and Institutions has lost the co-operation of the Shirley Oaks Survivors Associations, who represent 600 victims of abuse. The Association cites the chaotic leadership, lawyers resignations and allegations of racial and sexual abuse as the reason they have withdrawn from the process. The Inquiry has so far cost £18million and interviewed not a single victim. The manner in which the Inquiry has been beset by so many problems may well be the result of the establishment trying to kybosh the proceedings.  If the current chair decides to leave it is understood Keith Vaz has been pencilled in to replace her.

Snowmageddon

A light dusting of snow has caused havoc across the country this morning. In Bedlam Bottom, Hampshire snowfall reached a peak of 1/4 inch, causing all schools in the area to close and all public services to be suspended. People have been seen wearing gloves and hats, in some areas people have had to resort to skis to get to work….sorry, that should read shoes. The AA  has warned motorists to continue to drive normally.

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