18/11/2016

Justice Secretary Recruits Unemployed To Cover Shortage Of Prison Officers

prison

Justice secretary Liz Truss has announced plans to solve the prison crisis by taking on unemployed workers. In a controversial move Job Centres will interview the potential prison staff and force them to undertake a two week training course in Kettering. Once the course is completed they will take up positions at the nearest prison to them. They will receive £15 per week on top of their benefits. The Prison Officers Organisation (POO) have cautiously welcomed the move.

Black Friday ‘Racist’ Say Campaigners

racism

Organisers of the ‘Stop Black Friday being called Black Friday’ protest have approached the government to outlaw the use of the word ‘black’ on the day retailers traditionally sell their goods at a price not dissimilar to the price they have been the rest of the year. The group have suggested the name be changed to ‘Christmas Friday’, although Christian campaigners have described this as ‘totally bonkers’.

Louis Walsh To Replace Len Goodman As Head Judge On ‘Strictly’

louis-walsh

In a surprise move the BBC have announced Louis Walsh will take over as head judge from Len Goodman on Strictly Come Dancing next year. A spokesman for the BBC said “We have looked far and wide for a replacement for the irreplaceable Len Goodman and Louis was the name we all agreed would be the natural successor. Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood tweeted “Really dahling, this is the best news ever”. Louis Walsh replied “You look like a dancer, you dance like a dancer, you’re like a young white male Beyoncé”.

Man Pays £1million For Private Take That Gig

take-that

A man with three luxury yachts and only known as ‘PG’ has spent £1million of pension money to have a private audience with the two remaining members of Take That – after the recent shock retirement of Mark Owen. ‘PG’ purportedly asked the duo to perform for him on one his yachts but was not happy with the number of Take Thatters making the journey. He said that having only 40% of the band appearing made him look a fool in front of his staff.

 

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